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OK, writing as an act of persisting right now, I have to admit — I am unbelievably tired, but I planned to write my blog today, and therefor I do it, now, and I promise to write it in the ‘right’ state of persisting.
I am curious about the outcome as well.
WHAT is she all about now? — you might probably ask.
This week we started the make-over and had to choose and start with the number one quality we thought we needed to develop/work on the most. OK, I read the list, and a few were jumping to my attention, and to make a ‘clean cut’, I decided to do a ‘blind pick’, the same way we picked our PPNs way back in the beginning of the course.
And, MUCH to my surprise, ‘persistence’ was the one that came out.
So we had an assignment for the weekly blog…. watch one movie out of a list of six given, relate and link it to the course, and write about it.
A few weeks ago, actually Week 11, during the sit concentrating on ‘Whatsoever things ye desire (…) believe that ye receive them and ye shall have them’ I had an insight about one of the goals in my DMP that ‘got hooked’ into my consciousness. I didn’t talk about it then, because other stuff was going on as well that was more ‘important’ at that time, and also, actually as it turns out because that particular insight I want to talk about now needed some time to ‘incubate’ further.
WHAT a week that has been…. up-down-up-down …. 8 …
I have lived through SO much, discovered and uncovered, bumped into, nailed and failed, laughed my heart to pieces and cried my heart out, trembled for tremendous fear and tremendous thrill and bliss, had incredible fun and incredible heartache, went all the way down and more than I knew was possible up, down again into other depths, and up again to the top of yet another high, couldn’t sleep because of panic and tremendous worry, and couldn’t sleep because of tremendous bliss and joy and sense of the most profound accomplishment I ever had, was able to surrender to my highest self one day, and wasn’t the next day, and the next day managed to just let it all go again, found my power and could apply it and got paralized by fear the next day, was almost choked by panic one moment and found immense liberty of (creative) expression the next, managed to sacrifice my ego one day, and got sacrificed by and to my ego the next, and back, felt connected to all and everyone and felt completely isolated and cut off, felt my most glorious possible way of ‘being me’ and for a split second thought about making an end to it,
persisted doing all the readings and exercises in despair and managed to also persisted during the highest joy, stayed faithful to the MKMMA and wanted to throw it all out of the window at one point — but luckily didn’t — had fantastic insights and equally ‘fantastic’ incomprehension, felt more ‘me’ than ever before and ‘not like me AT ALL’, loved to a point where I thought my heart was going to explode and hated myself to an extend I didn’t know I was still capable of.
In short: what a glorious week, especially for someone who wrote in her DMP that ‘being passionate about my deep, intuitive and EVER EXPANDING insight in the human soul, mind and body (…..) fills me with a deep sense of joyful accomplishment’ ….. be careful what you wish for … 😀 ….
…..And yes, the joyful accomplishment won, also in regard to most of the other goals in my DMP that got all ‘touched’ more or less specifically this week — and even two of the events mentioned in my Press Release …. yes, HAVE BEEN MATERIALIZED 🙂 …
And oh, for a girl that wants to end up living in the mountains: who needs mountains outside when you have the ‘Himalaya-in-square’ inside your soul to travel through….. or oh, since I live in them inside very consciously, I will soon live in them outside….. yeeha… 😀 (oh, but note to Self: ‘hmm well, the Pyrenees will do, thank you very much… 🙂 ‘ )
One thing troubled me though, couldn’t get the mechanism behind the ‘one day I succeed, and the next I don’t, and back and forth, why can’t I get a grip on that? WHAT is this about? And WHY?’….
Good thing I stumbled on MarkJ’s video about the retreat today, just before starting my blog: keyword: ‘detachment’…..
When I look back: the times I succeeded, I somehow ‘instinctively’ had managed to detach from the outcome, and the times I ‘failed’, I was actually fearfully attached to a specific outcome…..
well-well, what a week.
Lots of glimpses of insights have been popping op all week long. Popping up, and disappearing again in the turmoil of the extremely hectic days, where about every hour some person or event also popped up in my life “to play it’s role”, being “the role I designed for them”: being my teacher. Every single one of them in it’s own specific way, but whit only one ‘function’: pointing out my most vulnerable spot, and so from very different angles: fear.
Thanks to last weeks blog of a fellow-‘student’ in the MKMMA, Tobie Steyn, I suddenly realized that what I saw as my biggest ‘downfall of ages’, was not fear in itself, but what was behind that fear, what was covered by it.
I started focussing on what that might be, and yes, there it was: another blind spot, maybe the most blind of all.
It occurred to me that I designed my life to dish me over and over again situations that frighten me — and those are MANY, just luckily for me, I have always been just that tiny bit more brave than frightened (yes, beside being a Unicorn and a dolphin, I’m a feline: I am Og’s lion, and I persist, even with wounded paws’n’all, throughout my life, but SO afraid underneath….).
So I started focussing on the fear, trying to figure out what the common fear was behind all the different anxious reactions on seemingly various situations.
I realized that the bottom-line-‘thinning’ deep down behind it always was the fear of being ‘destructed’, of being ‘scattered’, ‘crushed’, and in some way always by ‘bigger forces’ — authorities, or trucks, or….
Then it struck to me that I do (still) have a minor tendency to self-destruction.
And then, during a sit, contemplating on the ‘whatever you pray for, believe that you receive it and you shall have it’, I realized that I had to start ‘accepting’ what I’m desiring — and that I know that I actually already have — my full potential, ‘my HearzFlower‘. And the main thing I ‘pray’ for, is the power, over myself.
For what reason am I resisting to accept that power into my being, my cells, my life? The first obvious answer would be ‘because you are convinced that you do not deserve it for some reason’. But no, that didn’t sound ‘right’, that didn’t ‘click’.
What DID click? …. ‘you are afraid of that power because you associate it with destruction, you are afraid that if you have that Power, it will Destruct you’. So there you have it. Fear, plain, blind fear of my own power.
And, as within, so without: that’s why I created all those minor and less minor events since all my life: I projected my fear for my own power on some ‘authority’ that threatened to ‘destruct’ me. And I was like a mouse or a hamster inside a cage, running in it’s wheel, on and on, no escape, the wheel of PDF: ‘Power will Destruct you, Fear it and run if you want to survive’…..
I guess it’s time to destroy that wheel now, I HAVE the power to do that.
…thanks a lot to all my teachers, events and people, in particular the ones of this week… 😉 …. I’m already designing other, far more joyful jobs for you 🙂
Actually, I’m installing a new version of a PDF-wheel: one of Persistence, Determination and Faith. Ah, and one of Power, Devotion, wheel of Fortune. 🙂
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