ah……. week 8 …. 8, ‘my’ number…. seemed only natural that it would be a huge week for me.
And so it is, still is — it’s not over yet….
And where to begin…..
I can hardly keep up with insights and understandings and things ‘clicking’, and ‘aha’-moments, and accomplishments… seems only light and bright and sunshiny….
But also dived DEEP, into the opposite ‘circle’ of the 8, deep into the grim and painful and not-yet-thorouhly-felt/accepted, and am still confused and searching about how to give place to some stuff that even if it surfaced, is not yet ‘balanced’ and integrated, and how to ‘be’ according to that.
It started with Haanel’s ‘battle-ship’. Right in my first sit with it, it was crystal-clear that it was a huge and unexpected metaphor for ‘me’, and “tracing back to it’s origins” became “tracing back to my own origins”, to the very first, original thoughts that made me — in some ways — into this grim monster….
“See the grim monster floating on the surface of the water; there appears to be no life anywhere about; all is silence; you know that by far the largest part of the vessel is under water; out of sight;(…) you know that although it lies apparently oblivious to everything else, it has eyes which see everything for miles around, and nothing is permitted to escape its watchful vision; you know that while it appears quiet, submissive and innocent, it is prepared to hurl a steel projectile weighing thousands of pounds at an enemy many miles away…”
I will have to cut MANY corners here, but basically this was about “I who has thought ‘me’ “, and why I thought at one time I had to be a battle-ship, defending (why? what?) protecting (why? what?).
So much of this had already surfaced and dealt with much earlier in my life, but obviously there was more…… yes, another blind spot!
(OK, warning: what follows may make you think ‘what a cocky girl….’, but I feel in my guts and heart that I HAVE to speak and express my truth here, now, just for me. That was exactly part of the insight. Sorry if this disturbs you.)
The whole week I have been confronted now with it, in different forms and shapes, even playing a music-piece with this as a title (and oh irony only today understood….): “Crypsis”, the ability for a organism to blend in with its environment.
That’s exactly what I did. I toned myself down, since very young, to ‘blend in’. Yes, I always was ‘too fast and too smart’ for my surroundings. Knew
too much, ‘just like that’, (access to infinite intelligence…. 😉 ….), started doing everything way before I was supposed to (crawling, walking, talking, reading…….), I speak too fast, I think too fast, I move too fast, I asked questions in school my teachers had no answer for…… Still I ask questions that are often not understood, ‘going too deep too fast’ I guess… So I get a LOT of ‘wrong’ answers……. (But luckily, I am smart enough 😉 to still use the answers to see if I can drag something else still useful out of it for me…. 😉 )
And all this made me feel miserable, ‘out of tune’, apparently ‘frightening’ others, irritating them also, because I also simply feel and ‘see’ things I’m not supposed to ‘insights’, just liked that, see ‘behind the curtains, analyze to the bone in no time, in spite of myself, make links and connections in between stuff that most cannot follow. So I often simply better shut up to not create chaos around me, (that’s how it feels/felt to me), or try to express myself in a way my surroundings would understand i.e. in a way muting, dimming myself, even if subtly, and slowing myself down. All this energy ‘kept inside’ actually was gradually making me sick, in symbolic ways too: concussions, several ones, and nerve-injuires, probably in an unconscious attempt to “shut off my brain, or at least slow it down and get it ‘to normal’, and feel less, and ‘sit still, don’t move!’…. ”
Short: tough to handle.
So very young also I made a conscious decision to tone myself down, and blend in, pass my time here ‘incognito’. Did not want to ‘derange’ my surroundings.
…..but of course did, because I was not happy with that.
And my still healthy inner ‘magical part’ did not allow me to be like that, and displayed ‘my true colors’ often in spite of me (ask my surroundings :D, they might not even understand what I’m ‘on about’ here, but at the inside, this is how it looked and felt/feels!), and I did not know how to handle that myself. Yikes. My personality simply did/does not allow me to be ‘incognito’, much to my regret, at times…. So often enough at night in bed I would internally beat myself up about ‘what I had done again…..’
So back to the metaphor: suddenly, today, I saw that the origin of it, symbolically was….. Aladin’s wonder lamp. I saw it, once the ‘matter’ of the ship was fading ‘into it’s origins in time’, there it was: in the heart of the battle-ship. Aladin’s lamp,that had been ‘rubbed the wrong way’ for too long (there’s still a lot to investigate about that, about why I once thought that was necessary, eons of times ago — yes, way before ‘this’ identity. Because yes that too I created myself, no-one else but me made me do this).
So the genius withdrew, tried to hide somewhere in a corner, in silence and melancholically playing with her golden rainbow marbles…..
But so this week he (she 😉 ) got out again, and starts to polish her lamp. It starts already to sparkle beyond imagination. Pure rainbowy, golden stardust.
Polishing it from Aladim back to Aladin(ica). 🙂
Rejoice! (and oh, I KNOW that I’m not the only one. How about all of us taking a beautiful cloth soaked in love and start polishing our battle-ships back into the wonder lamps they really are….. 😉 …?)