Week 15: Persisting persistence

OK, writing as an act of persisting right now, I have to admit — I am unbelievably tired, but I planned to write my blog today, and therefor I do it, now, and I promise to write it in the ‘right’ state of persisting.

I am curious about the outcome as well.

WHAT is she all about now? — you might probably ask.

This:

This week we started the make-over and had to choose and start with the number one quality we thought we needed to develop/work on the most. OK, I read the list, and a few were jumping to my attention, and to make a ‘clean cut’, I decided to do a ‘blind pick’, the same way we picked our PPNs way back in the beginning of the course.

And, MUCH to my surprise, ‘persistence’ was the one that came out.

I was a bit shocked at first, because if there was ONE quality that I thought I had been developing since all my life, and am in a way notorious for among my friends, it’s….. persistence. (funnily I even lived in an apartment for a while in a street called — english translation here of course: ‘Street of Persistence’. And I remember back then that every time I wrote that address, I felt this force rise and grow inside me, and I was very happy with that, developing it and focussing on it EVEN MORE than I already had done, for several decades.

Also in the MasterKey now, I persisted, OOOOOH yes, I persisted, against all odds at times, but hey, I was in this to WIN, and not for defeat. But with this, ‘persisting’, a key-element of the course, I felt kind of ‘in my element’. All that talk about persisting, and me thinking ‘Yippie, at least that’s something I don’t have to worry about.’

Face à face. metallic pastel G. van Assche

But a few weeks ago a few cracks came in my self-confidence regarding this character-trade. Woops, face to face with myself….. During all the turmoil and roller coasters during those days (see my previous blogs), and when I was in my ‘desperation’ of ‘damn, I have done and do everything I have to, and still it did not turn out the way I planned, OK, I persist even more!’ suddenly it started shimmering that although a great lot of the old ways had been uncovered and were shifting and changing, and many insights came about why things went the way they did, I actually used and was still using and even relying mostly on ….. my persistence ….. as it had been developed by my OLD blueprint, meaning: a forcing persistence, one that was not at all respectful of my real inner me, at the verge and very often over the limit of abusing myself, like a pitt-bull that had sunk it’s teeth into it’s pray (myself) and would not let go for anything in the world, yes: teeth-clinching, pent-up, harsh, and exhausting.

With all the devastating, deeply-rooted (though often deeply hidden as well) tension in my mind and body that I now so desperately want to get rid of, as a result.

Ouch, I felt trapped. Trying to force my new-blueprint (one that is actually very gentle-natured…..) on myself using the one tool that was actually THE ‘masterpiece’ of the old-one. Mjamm. Nice and twisted, dear Dominica. Trapped by the ‘Two-faced-monster-of-Persistencia’…

Yes, there was a bug in the system….

Esotera. metallic pastel G. van Assche

So it started to shimmer that there must be a different way of persisting, and FuturSelfie (that I masterminded with on this) told me that yes, there IS something as ‘soft and gentle persistence’, and that actually DOES get things done, and APPLIED.

OK, I thought, gentle persistence it is. Interesting experience: really really consciously relax all those thoughts (yes, ALSO the positive and DMP-oriented-ones. –‘Hey I don’t have any other-ones anymore!’ little ActualSelfie responded 😀 ) and muscles, give them back their autonomy in a way (hey, isn’t that one of my PPNs … gotta give what you need 😀 ) — they know what to do once you tell them clearly, I do not have to ‘beat them into it’ and certainly I do not have to KEEP beating it into them, but oh KEEP them relaxed and trust the process, don’t go checking every minute if THIS then had the desired result (where did I read, and wrote, that before …. 😉 ) , but… DO calmly check every few seconds if everything was still as calm and relaxed as I left it just those few seconds ago. (ouch, again….. 🙂 ….)

But, yes that already changed a lot, yeeeha, and I thought I was heading in the right direction.

So then came this week, and yopla, ‘persistence’ was the one FuturSelfie wanted to work on.

Hmmmmmm had to think that over…….hadn’t I not just been doing that?

Yes dear, you had. But (note: this is a kind-and-gently uttered ‘but’ 😉 ) you might consider applying it on a deeper level, really really let it sink in or rather, sink it in, as in apply 😉 — and really really use it and allow yourself to ‘land’ on it and to really really integrate it structurally. In the body, in the flesh, in the cells.

That sweet, harmonious and gentle persistence of faith, True faith, FELT faith, it’s the time now that that ‘faith’ as a thought is ‘materializing’, go with that flow. Allriiighdy 🙂

And so, a few days into that experience…. now that sure IS a wonderful feeling, and SO relaxing. To the point that I finally feel tons and tons of tension dropping off my shoulders, both mentally and physically, tension that was there since my very young childhood and had hidden very well but still ‘ruled’ all my thoughts and actions. And thus, to the point that I start feeling HOW tired I really am, having put so much energy constantly in ‘entertaining’ this tension unconsciously.

And now that it’s releasing, I feel like I want to sleep for weeks. Actually, finally, I guess really for the very first time in my life, I’m starting to really experience something called ‘being safe‘. Go figure. Kadzzziiiiinnnng 🙂

But first, I wanted to write my blog, as I promised, and for the record: it took some readjustment from time to time, but I do still feel in the ‘Gentle-Persistence-of-Faith’-state.

—– Wake me up for me evening-readings, please, thank you 🙂