Week 11: inside a PDF-wheel

well-well, what a week.

Lots of glimpses of insights have been popping op all week long. Popping up, and disappearing again in the turmoil of the extremely hectic days, where about every hour some person or event also popped up in my life “to play it’s role”, being “the role I designed for them”: being my teacher. Every single one of them in it’s own specific way, but whit only one ‘function’: pointing out my most vulnerable spot, and so from very different angles: fear.

Thanks to last weeks blog of a fellow-‘student’ in the MKMMA, Tobie Steyn, I suddenly realized that what I saw as my biggest ‘downfall of ages’, was not fear in itself, but what was behind that fear, what was covered by it.

I started focussing on what that might be, and yes, there it was: another blind spot, maybe the most blind of all.

Tourbillon, metallic pastel G. van Assche

It occurred to me that I designed my life to dish me over and over again situations that frighten me — and those are MANY, just luckily for me, I have always been just that tiny bit more brave than frightened (yes, beside being a Unicorn and a dolphin, I’m a feline: I am Og’s lion, and I persist, even with wounded paws’n’all, throughout my life, but SO afraid underneath….).

So I started focussing on the fear, trying to figure out what the common fear was behind all the different anxious reactions on seemingly various situations.

I realized that the bottom-line-‘thinning’ deep down behind it always was the fear of being ‘destructed’, of being ‘scattered’, ‘crushed’, and in some way always by ‘bigger forces’ — authorities, or trucks, or….

Then it struck to me that I do (still) have a minor tendency to self-destruction.

And then, during a sit, contemplating on the ‘whatever you pray for, believe that you receive it and you shall have it’, I realized that I had to start ‘accepting’ what I’m desiring — and that I know that I actually already have — my full potential, ‘my HearzFlower‘. And the main thing I ‘pray’ for, is the power, over myself.

For what reason am I resisting to accept that power into my being, my cells, my life? The first obvious answer would be ‘because you are convinced that you do not deserve it for some reason’. But no, that didn’t sound ‘right’, that didn’t ‘click’.

What DID click? …. ‘you are afraid of that power because you associate it with destruction, you are afraid that if you have that Power, it will Destruct you’. So there you have it. Fear, plain, blind fear of my own power. 

Tourbillon, metallic pastel G. van Assche

And, as within, so without: that’s why I created all those minor and less minor events since all my life: I projected my fear for my own power on some ‘authority’ that threatened to ‘destruct’ me. And I was like a mouse or a hamster inside a cage, running in it’s wheel, on and on, no escape, the wheel of PDF:  ‘Power will Destruct you, Fear it and run if you want to survive’…..

I guess it’s time to destroy that wheel now, I HAVE the power to do that.

…thanks a lot to all my teachers, events and people, in particular the ones of this week… 😉 …. I’m already designing other, far more joyful jobs for you 🙂

Actually, I’m installing a new version of a PDF-wheel: one of Persistence, Determination and Faith. Ah, and one of Power, Devotion, wheel of Fortune. 🙂